After losing your husband are you managing the grieving process ..... or is it managing you?

Do you find yourself "stuck?" ...have no interest getting out of bed? ...unable to clean out your husband's side of the closet? ... lack interest in caring for yourself? Let's redesign your life with gratitude, independence and pleasure. I believe in life after loss...

I remember feeling devastated after Marc passed and couldn’t quite get my day started. Losing the love of your life can be emotionally crippling but also shatters your day-to-day existence. After my loss I found that my way of life began to get very small, unhealthy and unengaging.

I had amazing people around me for support but they eventually had to return to their lives, as they should. The realization hit me that I needed to maneuver my way through each stage of grief so I could move forward in my life; living “stuck” was not an option. There were incidents that happened along the way to test me and I had no choice but to create strategies to get around them.

I remember struggling through that horrendous chore of cleaning out his side of the closet. It made me physically nauseous and I’d walk away until I figured out how to conquer that debilitation. 

How DOES one navigate through grief and sadness to get to a full and functional life again?

That is EXACTLY what this content is about! Here is what you can expect during our time together.  We'll enter into each stage of grief with a step by step process for each:
*Denial
*Anger
*Bargaining
*Depression
*Acceptance

If you're not accustomed to being alone the first thing you'll need to consider is to accept some loneliness from time to time. It won't be a good feeling at first but you can always reach out to a supportive person so as not to become too isolated. 

Try not to judge yourself harshly for not moving through each stage fast enough. This is YOUR time to grieve, not a family member, a good friend, or coworker. The people in your life mean well, they love you and don't want to see you suffer but rushing through this process can be harmful in the long run. Nobody should have expectations for you during any of these phases. Take your time and make successful baby steps often.

Understand that all your emotions are normal. You may feel a flood of sadness one day and be angry at everyone around you the next.  Acknowledge those feelings and they will eventually pass as long as you don't try to ignore or bury them. 

And here’s something very important you’ll want to pay attention to. Please don’t make any hasty decisions as you’re taking this journey through the grieving process. There are a couple of things that come to mind a few women regret to this day, immediately selling their homes, closing accounts to make a large purchases or getting rid of people in their lives because of displaced anger. I know it’s hard to sit still in pain but it will slowly diminish.

When it comes to social media, it's usually not the best solution to stay connected with family and friends.  Sometimes just leaving your home and grabbing a cup of coffee with a friend is more beneficial than hours of Facebook with thousands of "friends". Social media was around when I was going through my struggles. But I found that walking down the street to my friends’ house and spending even an hour was helpful. It got me out of the lonely house for a bit and I got a change of scenery. And when someone came to visit me it changed the enviornment of the house, like a warmer feeling. Make it a point to call or be face to face with someone vs texting or emailing whenever possible. It's beneficial to feel a connection with people to reduce the feeling of being alone. 

The emotions you're feeling can be exhausting and this is the best time to get ample sleep. Grieving takes up much of your mental and emotional well-being and sleep deprivation will enhance those feelings. I experienced this when I didn't get the proper amount of sleep and my day became unmanageable and the grief was exacerbated.  I would label my day as a “bad day” and I was right (be very careful labeling)! I didn’t get the connection back then or realize how much the body heals with good, solid sleep habits. As with anything else in life, too much of a good thing isn't the best medicine either, so be sure not to make long hours of sleep your escape from addressing sadness. 

Take good care of your body by heading outside for a walk when the weather permits. Just getting some fresh air can clear your mind to better imagine what your future possibilities can look like. I can tell you that starting your day with some easy stretches, breathing, meditation or yoga can assist with anxiety that might be created throughout the grieving process. Easy breathing from your stomach instead of your chest will slow your heart rate down to be able to keep calm when a flood of anxiety hits you.

Eat well and feed your body with the nutrients it needs to thrive through this process and for the rest of your life.  Remember to hydrate yourself throughout the day and refrain from alcohol as it is a depressant.  Scientists have proven that keeping your physical body in shape helps your mental and emotional health.  

A daily routine of getting a good start to the day will help to maintain structure in your life. Get dressed everyday, put your make-up on, do your hair and take a look in the mirror and realize you have a beautiful life to live. You’re still here for a reason. When you're having your morning coffee or tea, take time to connect to whatever/whoever gives you inspiration and maintains your sense of purpose in life. 

After my husband passed away my mornings were shaky, not having a plan or an idea in my head of what my day would be like, no less my future.  My daughter (who I swear was my mother in another life) advised me to get a journal and write down everything and everyone I was grateful for, daily. At first I thought she was trying to divert me in a different direction so as not to be upset. So while I was having my coffee I created a habit of writing a grateful list and a list of daily duties.

Starting my morning with this ritual taught me that even though I lost an amazing partner, there were others in my life who loved and needed me.  It made my day worthwhile and the daily tasks kept me functional. Years later, I still recite my grateful list and prayers during my yoga and meditation. And when it's not possible to start with this daily routine, I definitely notice the difference in how my day unfolds.

Now lets get started...

The content is intended for informational and educational purposes, it is not intended to substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, and/or treatment. Please consult your medical professional before making changes to your diet, exercise routine, medical regimen, lifestyle, and/or mental health care.

Denial actually protects you and can initially help you survive the loss when those feelings of numbness arise; especially when you’re not sure how to accept your new reality.

Denial is typically experienced immediately after the loss of your husband.

You wouldn’t want all the emotions of each stage flooding in at once. There may be times when life just doesn’t make sense, it may be overwhelming or you may wonder about life’s meaning, denying and avoiding the news of your loss. And that’s the blessing of the numb feeling.

This stage of grief often feels unreal but buys you time to slowly ease into the next phase.
Here are a few of the characteristics associated with denial and I remember coming face to face with them:

*Having frequent urges to contact your husband even though you know he's no longer here

*Thinking of jokes or experiences he'd enjoy but realizing you can't share them with him

*Waking up from a sound sleep and then remember that he's not next to you

*Recalling that your husband was just with you a short time ago and he's still here...until realization sets in

*Not wanting to take off your wedding ring after your husband passes away

There are a few coping skills to help you through and have assisted me at that time:

*Don't try to rush the process as it doesn't work that way, give yourself time to heal.  Everybody is different with their timeline and taking small steps everyday can be less terrifying.  

*Eventually you will begin to look into the future of what your life might look like. This is not an easy thing to do so try it when you think it's time to move forward, again do this slowly. The process can be scary but surround yourself with trusting, supportive people and keep open. At that time you will unknowingly begin the healing process, making it possible to move in a forward direction.

For continued recovery always acknowledge your emotions and treat yourself with kindness and patience.

Anger is a rough stage but it also shows the magnitude of love for your husband

It's vital to talk about your angry emotions to a trusted family member or friend. Recognize what triggers your anger that makes you feel overwhelmed. Then you can gain an insight on how to respond in more constructive ways.

While sadness can be the prominent feeling after losing your husband, anger is also a common reaction to grief. You question why it happened, angry at yourself, your family and friends, your husband, or your environment. Even though you realize those thoughts are not correct, they still exist.  Those strong feelings need to be acknowledged and expressed, not buried. 

Concealing unresolved feelings delay coping and moving forward which lengthens and worsens the grieving process. Give yourself permission to really feel those emotions. It’s important to get to the root of your anger; is it because you’re mad at your husband for leaving you or could you be blaming God?

Losing your husband can make you feel helpless. Sometimes anger can make the survivor feel more in control when facing that loss. Anger can take the place of sadness, vulnerability or defenselessness. Maybe those unresolved emotions could  be stopping you from moving forward with the grieving process.
 
Instead of running away from uncomfortable emotions, ask yourself why you're angry. It might feel more comfortable repeating stories about your husband than the feelings of intense emotions around loss. Your unresolved anger could be from somewhere else in the past and your husband's passing brought to the forefront.  This would be the best time to recognize it and clear your mind of it.

For the times when these emotions are overwhelming, use grounding to step away for a short break. Here are a few quick grounding exercises: 

Perform some deep breathing exercises.  I've used Google and YouTube for some quick but effective techniques to help calm myself,  lower my heart rate and blood pressure.  I continue to use that technique when my world goes a bit crazy.

Let your other senses take over, smell the fresh air, take a step outside and view your immediate surroundings, look at the garden and see the beauty around you and if possible remove your shoes and feel the ground beneath you. Believe me, something that simple can shift your thoughts away from loss to appreciation of being alive witnessing the beauty around you.

Seek help if you’re unable to cope: Grief is normal as long as you don't become depressed to the point that you can't function for a long time, or in a way that's harmful to you. Grief counseling can help you process your loss and guide you to acceptance.

Bargaining emotions are when you can feel a sense of guilt, regret or lack of control.

Bargaining is a defense against the feelings of helplessness experienced after a loss. It happens when people struggle to accept the reality of the loss and the limits of their control over the situation

When we are in pain, it's sometimes hard to accept that there's nothing we can do to change things. Bargaining is when we start to make deals with ourselves, or perhaps with God if you're religious. We want to believe that if we act in particular ways we will feel better

Bargaining is a line of defense against the emotions of grief. It helps you postpone the sadness, confusion, or hurt.

Here are some examples of bargaining: “If I could just get him back, I'll never.......... again.” “If I could spend just one more day with him….......”  You may promise to be a better person

In this stage, you may find yourself negotiating with yourself, with people around you, with fate, or with a higher power to try and mitigate or undo your loss. “God, if you bring him back, I promise I will do anything you ask."

It can be helpful to share these thoughts with someone you trust who can help you rationalize them.

Write down your thoughts, bargains and feelings: It can be a good idea to reflect on them so you can become more aware of your true feelings and motives for these thoughts, instead of getting caught up in them.

People are best able to move on from this stage when they decide to focus from what they cannot control to everything that they can control:
You have complete control how you choose to start your day
... over your body and how you decide to nurture and take care of it
...over your thoughts, as difficult as it may be at times. Guard your mind and we can discuss this more at a later time
...who you choose to surround yourself with as you heal

Eventually you will begin to make changes in your life that are more productive to move forward.

Seek help if you’re unable to cope: Grief is normal as long as you don't become depressed to the point that you can't function for a long time, or in a way that's harmful to you. Grief counseling can help you process your loss and guide you to acceptance.

Depression can sometimes usually last the longest and be the most difficult stage of grief

It may appear there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Spend adequate time to emotionally say goodbye to your husband; don't hold back.

The duration of depression is of course different for everyone. But older women dealing with this kind of loss might feel depressed almost all the time and there are a few symptoms that vary or come in waves. You may feel guilty that you're still alive and your husband is gone.  

Maintaining a routine of a good night's sleep will help with anxiety, fatigue, lack of concentration and extreme changes in appetite.  Try not to make any major decisions, personal or work-related at this time. Make your primary care doctor aware of your grieving process to help you keep an on eye on health.

During this grieving process you may still be involved with work or activities to stay busy or occupy your mind. If you’re clinically depressed then you may experience symptoms of severe sadness and lack of interest in all daily tasks.  Remember to alert  the necessary people at work about your bereavement. This would be the best time to take your vacation or even sick leave as a way to let yourself truly absorb and process what is happening in your life. 

You may begin to isolate yourself and may even reject the ones you love or avoid social settings. But it's helpful if you can accept some support from people who are trustworthy and feel comforting, take advantage of them. 

Allow yourself permission to indulge in some inner care:

Get a massage/manicure/pedicure...plant flowers/start a garden...take up yoga...walk daily...relax with your favorite hot beverage and read a book...enjoy a meal outside weather permitting...take up a new hobby; new language, painting, musical instrument, needlepoint or knitting... be present in the awe of the sunrise/sunset...listen to music that inspires you...write your accomplishments in your journal.

You should make time to express how you really feel, which is tough to do if there are many expectations still placed on you. Even though grief can be a trigger for depression please remember not everyone who grieves will experience clinical depression.


Seek help if you’re unable to cope: Grief is normal as long as you don't become depressed to the point that you can't function for a long time, or in a way that's harmful to you. Grief counseling can help you process your loss and guide you to acceptance.

Acceptance…the final stage of the grieving process

You accept the reality of what's happened and begin to look for ways to move forward.  You eventually accept how your husband's passing has changed your life and no longer live in the past or wishing for him to be here.

It's important that during this stage you accept how this loss has changed your life and stop wishing for everything to go back to how it used to be.

You come to accept the loss of your husband slowly over time. This acceptance includes adjusting to daily life without him.

Here are a few things to help you realize you've come to terms with the loss of your husband and have begun to heal:

You've started to bravely engage in your new reality which can give you a feeling of courageousness
The mindfulness you've developed is really good enough for now vs unacceptable in the beginning of your grieving process
Validating what your life is at this present moment is  monumental in healing and moving forward
Becoming assertive, adaptive and being honest with your communication are all a huge part of how much wisdom you've gained

Keep up with your new hobbies and talents and if/when necessary, join a support group.  

I wish you the best that life has to offer and congratulations to you for enduring and embracing one of the most difficult times of your life.  Best of luck and much love...

I believe in life after loss...